5 Ways to Be a Better Communicator
So this week I had a deja vu moment. I was in a restaurant with my partner and remembered the last time we were there. We got in a giant fight and every single thing that was said was met with a rude face or angry comment, both of us were fed up and frustrated. Over the past few months, we’ve both been working really hard to communicate and understand each other better. So this time, even though we were in almost the exact same situation, we were laughing and joking, sharing food, and having a great time.
The experiences we have in life are determined by our perspective and how we CHOOSE to act or react. One of the biggest impacts we can have is by choosing how we communicate. So often many of us get passive-aggressive or manipulative without even noticing it (if you’re unsure what that means, Wikipedia has some great examples: “voiding direct or clear communication, evading problems, fear of intimacy or competition, making excuses, blaming others, obstructionism, playing the victim, feigning compliance with requests, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and hiding anger.”).
Being a naturally blunt, honest person I've never had trouble speaking my mind but I’ve definitely had to work on being more considerate and knowing when/where is the appropriate time to say things. Guess what? I still screw up all the time. I say things I don't mean or that come across wrong, I accidentally hurt people’s feelings, and sometimes suck at taking ownership of my actions…that's part of being human. The best we can do is make amends and work to do better next time. We are all different and you never know how someone will react to you. So today I wanted to put together my top 5 favorite tips to be a better communicator that work in all situations!
Pause. Every time I’ve said things I regret or don’t mean are when I’m emotional and say the first thing that comes to mind. Like the classic line, “think before your you speak,” take a few breaths and pause before responding OR if you're in an emotional state and are too angry or upset, you can always excuse yourself from the situation and revisit later (something as simple as “I need some space, we can talk later”).
Ask Questions. There are two top ways I like to use questions. The first is when in doubt, ask. If you're ever unsure how someone is feeling or thinking, ask! Ex. “Did I upset you?” “Are we okay?” The second is clarify understanding. If you’re not sure you're being heard, simply asking “do you understand?” or asking them to repeat what you meant/said helps to ensure both parties are on the same page.
“I” statements. This may be one of the best tips I’ve ever learned but also one of the most difficult to remember and to do properly. Imagine yelling at someone and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t unload the dishes after I asked you ten times, you are so frustrating!” Right away using YOU, puts all the blame on the other person and instantly puts them on the defensive (most likely shutting down any further productive conversation). Instead, use “I” (not “you”), refer to the action/behavior NOT the person, explain how it affects you, and what you’d like to happen instead. For example, “I feel really frustrated when the dishes aren’t unloaded and I’d really love some help cleaning up.” Seemingly subtle it makes a HUGE difference.
Body Language. This is a big one! If someone is saying something I don’t like it is VERY difficult for me not to let it show on my face, you ever feel that way? With good communication, you need to be respectful, so being mindful of not only your facial expressions (keeping eye contact, avoiding frowning/laughing, rolling eyes, etc) but also your posture (avoiding closed off positions like crossing your arms over your chest, using too many gestures, or appearing disinterested/bored) is extremely important.
Listen! You can talk to someone till your blue in the face but if you or the other person isn't listening, you'll get nowhere. So often we don’t feel truly heard, so the final piece is listening. The easiest way to ensure you got what someone is saying is to repeat it back to them, “What I’m hearing is…” “So you’re saying that…” “I understand that…” Showing understanding and respect towards others is the fastest way to build trust and create a better foundation for future conversations.
One final note is, try not to get frustrated or discouraged if other people don’t respond the way you would like. Trust me, I totally get how annoying it is to feel like you laid your heart on the line but still don’t feel understood or respected. Simply do your best to keep your side of the street clean, lead by example, and be honest. Hopefully whoever you’re trying to talk to will come around, or maybe you’ll learn you’d rather not talk to them at all! Whatever the case, I hope you find these tips useful and always feel free to reach out to me with any questions or concerns.